On Wearing Boxers & A Bra

It’s not that I’m offended that you call me “son” or “boy” or generally mistake me for male. It’s not like I’m not aware that most of my clothes are the ones that are found in the “mens” side of the store, that I have a relatively “masculine” demeanor, that my jaw is square in a way that could be defined as “masculine”, and my hair is “too short for a girl’s”. It’s not like I don’t wish my chest was flatter, or my arms more muscular, or even that I had a lower voice. It doesn’t bother me to be mistaken for “the opposite sex”.

I just need you to understand that it’s not how I identify. I was born in a body that this society has deemed “woman” and therefore “female” and even though I am not what you might consider “feminine”, I still identify as a woman/female. The fact that I am not “feminine” does not detract from this, and that is why I fight. It’s not like I would have a problem being male, or that my gender presentation isn’t fluid. But the fact that you see me as “male” because I do not fit into your box of “female” means that I will correct you in order to coax your definitions of “female” to include more than the stereotypes society has impressed upon you.

Additionally, I maintain “feminine” pronouns (she & her) because I want to respect those folks who have a more fluid gender identity. Saying “I don’t care what you call me” would be true, but it’s my personal feeling that, if I identify as a woman/female, then I should be proud of that identity and I should not belittle other people’s identities by saying I don’t care about mine. I am fortunate enough that the labels society has created for me and that I have taken upon myself fit me like a snug hoodie; they’re not perfect, but I like them, and that’s why I have them.

I’m queer because, even though I’ve only ever dated and have been attracted to cis-women before doesn’t mean that I want to exclude the possibility of being attracted to someone who might fall outside of that category. I understand the politics around upper-class white gays and this term, however, and will accept the label lesbian if you call me that- though it is not correct.

I’m asexual because I do not experience sexual attraction. The fact that I’m celibate ties into this identity, though the two are not mutually exclusive.

I’m female because I enjoy the strength that comes from owning that identity. I’m a cis-female because I happened to have been born into the body of a “woman”. My body and my gender identity “match” as far as this society is concerned.

I am not only these things, though. I am so many other identities, but I focus on these because they are the ones that some people don’t like on me. They’re the ones that take away some of my rights, that other people will oppress and harass me for, and the ones that I need to fight with. They’re the ones I have created a wonderful community around and they’re some of the most important identities I hold.

Okay, I lied: I don’t need you to understand this. But I need you to respect it.